I went out to see a couple of really good bands last night (you’d likely prefer Tishamingo but I was absolutely floored by Deadstring Brothers—I added their link) and when I got home, after brushing my face and washing my teeth, my adrenaline was still spiking at a level that I knew would keep me from sleeping—so I did the same damn thing you do—I logged onto this fucking machine and unconsciously started surfing for trouble. I found it quickly.

The first mistake I made was checking my dog’s status on Puppywar.com. The results were so awful that I briefly considered whether Donald Rumsfeld somehow had his hands in this. I mean, holy shit it was depressing to see my much-loved monster absolutely sucking wind…in a very public way. Now I know what it’s like to be Barbara Bush, faced every day with the knowledge that the child I love so dearly is just a freak to the rest of the world.

Completely disheartened, I surfed on…and stumbled upon the latest supposedly earth-shattering, ground-breaking study in the gender wars. Uh huh. Well guess what this one said—go on—guess. Yeah, you’re right. Men are smarter than women, with an IQ that averages almost four points higher than us. And yeah, they’re better at math and spatial relations and women outdo them only in tests that quantify verbal skills.

Well, I know you have to be a man to do this kind of research (honestly, these researchers were of the penis-toting variety), but I was married to one and have a child who is one in training, so I bring to the table a certain anecdotal expertise that is more valuable in daily life than a study of how folks do on standardized tests.

Here are the results of my studies:

First off, these researchers say that this difference in IQ’s is likely because men have these extra neurons that make the male’s brain, on average, larger. Well guess what guys: you can’t have it both ways. You men have long perpetuated this myth that size doesn’t matter (we really only say that to keep from hurting your feelings) and now you say it does? Alright then—size matters. You win. And lose.

And then, about this thing that men are better at math: really? When the “Honey, We Can’t Afford a Fucking Bass Boat” argument breaks out at your house, who is the one who is more likely to throw up their arms and scream, “Well, you can take our household budget and stick it up your ass!” THIS is math. And women understand it really, really well.

And they’re better at spatial relations? Then why do their dirty clothes end up “close enough” to the dirty clothes hamper but not IN the dirty clothes hamper? Why do they pee on the toilet seat? And more importantly, why can’t they find their own damn socks? Why can’t they exploit those excess IQ points by finding their own wallet and keys instead of getting the attention of the nearest woman and calling upon the mystical, magical powers of what men must think is some sort of uterine tracking device for lost objects. Really, seriously, if you’ve mastered spatial relations, you’ll understand that what you’re looking for is exactly where you left it. Women, we get that—it seems fairly basic to us.

“Oh,” but you say, “dearest Ann, spatial relations is about other things too—like reading a map. Women just struggle with those things.” Mark my word: I can read a map. I may turn it this way and that, but I can get you where you want to go. Better yet, when those MapQuest directions invariably indicate that I should turn right instead of left, I don’t feel the need to circumnavigate the world before I either a) turn around or b) ask for directions. If you really want me to believe that men are better at spatial relations, prove to me that they understand one simple concept: LOST.

And, to prove my point about math AND spatial relations, I have only these final words: you're only fooling yourselves because we DO know that THAT really isn’t 7 inches.

But women do have their strengths, this study cited; they tend to use more words, bigger words. And this, I know, has caused the rolling of many male eyeballs throughout the land. But guess what, guys—our lives can’t really be sufficiently communicated with a vocabulary that is limited to “beer,” “sex,” and “remote control.” For us, there really is more out there.

This study is getting attention just a few weeks after the article came out suggesting that men not marry career women—that one caught our collective eye. And I spent this summer reading Maureen Dowd’s Are Men Necessary?, which cited study after study after study of how dumbed-down women just do better in the world, do better with men. That said, shouldn’t women take heart in having proof that we’ve got lower IQ’s, that we’ll do better in the world by just occasionally wiping the drool from our mouths and stumbling about, looking for lost keys and suckling babies on our ample and partially-exposed bosoms?

“Ann,” I can hear you thinking, “don’t be so cynical. Some guys really like smart chicks.” Right. Sure. If so, where are they? I mean, WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY? I certainly don’t know…and if you do, please tell me. And, trust me—it’s ok—you can draw me a map.