When I was walking my dog this morning, trying to take in all the hollerday decorations in the neighborhood without letting him once urinate on them, I thought of something that very few know about me: I come from a very artistically-inclined family.

Ok—hold on—that’s not quite true—let me rephrase that.

I come from a family that is not artistically inclined at all. We can’t draw shit—or anything else for that matter.

So if you think I look familiar, yes, that was me, that woman in the restaurant ten years ago who tried to soothe her screaming toddler by drawing for him, only to have him wail towards the rooftop, “Momma, I told you to draw a bunny,” and he wheezed as he took in enough breath to roar through his tears so loudly that it would've stopped a freight train, “but you drew a potato!” Yes, that was me. And you, when I held the picture up for the people at your table to judge, well, y’all just looked at your food then back at my picture, presumably agreeing with my kid.

Ok, so I can’t draw. But, for the record, it doesn’t end there. I can’t sing (for your birthday, I’ll give you the gift of NOT singing); I can’t dance (if I’m dancing, it’s because I am drunk, drunk, drunk and it is way past the time for someone to have taken my ass to the house); and I can’t color, cut, glue, sculpt, or even diagram a football play in the sand with a stick.

However, don’t feel sorry for me because when it’s gift-giving time, I can put you to shame. I mean, I still struggle with gift wrap (although I am fairly convinced that with just one roll of wrapping paper and three rolls of tape, I can pretty well cover up a jewelry box), but when it comes to bows, I’ve got that part down pat.

You see, I look in your shopping cart at the store and frown at you, all of you who buy those big bags of ready-made bows, the ones with the sticky backing that you just slap on the gifts to those who you say you love. Hmph. If you really loved these people, wouldn't you’d buy a roll of ribbon and make the bow yourself? That’s right—you’d make the bow yourself.

It’s the one thing I can do, my one source of superiority over you folks who can wrap presents without getting tape in your hair, who can draw things without making your children cry, who can sing so that people recognize the song, and who can dance without injuring those around you—I can make a bow.

So there.